I Found Out I Can't Make It On My Own

If anyone was ever like me, they grew up having to "make it happen". I was the oldest son, and my father counted on me to do most of everything around the house. My father was the oldest son also, so I believe he wanted me to learn a few things the way he had learned them. When my father was 6 years old, he told me that he used to stay home alone and watch his 2 older sisters. He would always share with me that he had a lot of responsibility at such a young age. My father said that these experiences and situations taught him many valuable lessons. So, I believe this had a lot to do with the responsibilities that he would give to me.

Like most guys, we love a challenge. We even love the thought of having more responsibility, because it makes us feel like more of a man. So when I was given certain tasks, I would be macho man and always want to do it alone. I didn't want to ask for help, and I felt like I didn't need no help. I would always figure out a way to do it on my own. This really challenged my brain sometimes, but I always seemed to figure it out. And when I would figure it out, I could see my dad would have that "good job son" look on his face. But he wasn't the type to always express it.

With me being able to always figure it out, I actually begin to feel like, I didn't need help. I got into the habit of just figuring things out when I was in a bind, so I wouldn't have to rely on anyone. This created pride issues in that area, because I didn't want people to think that I needed them. I didn't want them to think that I couldn't do it by myself; even if the job was bigger than me.

It's so funny how everything in our past will create us to having the mind like we have towards everything. I took the same mind-frame that I had growing up into my Christian walk as well. I would try to do everything on my own. Although this helped me be more disciplined in many areas, God also had to humble me to show me that He is ultimately in "control".

God showed me that It was bigger than me.

In my new Christian walk, I would be disciplined in what people would call the "main" sins. You know the smoking, drinking, having sex, and cursing. Yeah, I felt like I was a super Christian because I heard about everyone else struggling with those, and they weren't as much of a problem for me. I was a new, and I thought I would never have to struggle with anything. Ever. They didn't really address anything other than those sins at the church I was raised in, so I was as Christian as you could be, right?

God showed me that It's not in my power.

Then something crazy started to happen. I begin to have these dreams that many of us know as, "wet dreams". These are sexual dreams you have when a person can physically have a release. And I was having them. I would wake up like, "Ok, what just happened." But when they happened, I would be so convicted that I would cry out to God and say, "Why is this happening to me?" I felt so worthless, filthy, and unsaved that I questioned if God was even hearing my prayers.

I needed help!

I found out that I couldn't do this on my own. It was bigger than me. And I couldn't do it with my power or strength. I needed help. I needed Christ. And once I was able embraced that help didn't mean you're weak, I was able to be stronger. I was able to grow in humility, patience, and love.

Sometimes we go through things for Christ to show us that it's not about our strength or power. We have a habit of wanting to be in control; and once that control is taken away, we feel vulnerable. But that exactly what God wants from us. Vulnerability. Let's be vulnerable to His ability.