Why Opposite Sex Friends are Never "Just Friends"

We have all had those friends of the opposite sex, that we considered "just friends". It was always very easy to hide feelings behind the title, but still be close to the person at the same time. We're "just friends" is what we would say. Now, don't get me wrong, there might be some people out there that feel they have opposite sex friends and never felt this way. But by the end of this blog, I want you to examine if you are really "just friends".

When we are younger in age, we don't really pay attention to the sex of a person when it comes to friendships. We just want someone to ride bikes, and play our toys with. Although our parents and their friends would say "how cute" we looked playing with them, we never really payed it any mind. We were just friends. But what happens when the innocence is gone? What happens we start to understand feelings, and begin to become attracted to a person? It's still cute and cuddly, but would you still be "just friends".

Knowledge brings about recognition. And whenever our view of something is even slightly distorted, our outlook on that thing will change. But, let me explain.

I've had many female friends that I was close to, but eventually one of us would have feelings for the other. Hold on, let's take a step back really quick. If you have an opposite sex friend from childhood, you probably still have the same mindset towards them as when you were a child; that's if your mindset about them wasn't distorted...or in other words, if neither one of you never caught feelings for one another. This is one of those rare cases that we could view each other as "just friends", and it be purely just that. But most of the time, if we are honest with ourselves, deep down inside we thought about "hooking up" with them. Or, we had the feeling that the other person was interested in us.

As stating earlier, I've had female friends that I was close to, but eventually one of us would catch feelings. Sometimes it wasn't anything planned, but it just happened. Other times I knew what I was doing, and I wanted to use that "just friends" or "my sister" title as an excuse to get closer to her; just to see if I could wiggle my way in the "friend zone". Because the guys know, once you're in the "friend zone" you're almost "there".   Ok, I may be breaking a man code right now.

Whenever you're on a consistent base friendship with someone (even the same sex), it builds feelings. Hints to why people become best friends. But, this consistency brings forth intimacy and ultimately ownership. I know you've either been around someone, or you've been that someone, that seen their best friend talking with someone else, and you were like, "Why are you talking to them? You're MY best friend!" That's because consistency and intimacy does that. But when its opposite sex, it does even more, because we were created to be attracted to the opposite in a different way. We hide feelings not to make things awkward. But secretly, we don't want them to get that girl/boyfriend. Because we secretly have feelings for them. We don't want them to get close to other guys/ladies, because that lessens our "chance" to have all their heart. I'm sure you've been there before.

On the contrary, we can really have pure motives and want to be "just friends" because the person is  "super cool". Then, down the line, we find out from other people that they think we're "cute". Then, as stated earlier, when knowledge is distorted the outlook will change. And unfortunately, the outlook is changed. But we don't want to say anything to make things difficult or awkward, so we try to make it seem like it's all good and we can still be "just friends"...because 

1. We like the attention anyway.
2. We had feelings for them too.
Or, 3. We don't want them to feel bad.

But whichever it may be, the motives aren't "just friends" for both parties anymore. Honestly, if you're mature enough minded, and single, it's almost obsolete that you will meet new people of the opposite sex and one of you not see the other as a potential.

On the other hand, we have people that we've already been intimate with. These are the relationships that didn't work out, but you both remained on good terms. You decided not to be in a relationship, but you thought that "just friends" would be ok. Things can never be "just friends", because you've already been intimate with the person. And because you've already been intimate with the person, you've expressed to each other that you're attracted to them in some way. You can't just turn that off.

I'm saying these things to say this:

Would you want your wife/husband to be close to someone that finds him/her attractive that way? Would you want your girlfriend/boyfriend to be close to someone that they have had close relations with, even it's in the name of "just friends"?
Would you want to lead someone on like you are interested in them, when you're really not. Would you want someone to lead you on in that way?
 (These are rhetorical questions)

If you're single and it comes to opposite sex friends, they're not always a good idea to be consistent with, unless you have purpose behind that consistency. If not, hope will be deferred on one end eventually. When you're in a relationship and it comes down to opposite sex friends, they're not a good idea to be consistent with. Someone is usually attracted to the other, and this has the potential to create serious complications down the road. It's ok to have people of the opposite sex that you know, but it's important that both sides of the relationship knows them; so it never seems like there are hidden motives. Be consistent with purpose.

Walking by Faith

I believe one of the hardest things that a person can do is walk by faith. Walking by faith not only challenges our heart, but it challenges our belief. Do we really believe that "this" was God telling us to do this. Do we really trust God to see us through "this".

As many of us know, "faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen". Yes, most people that grew up in church (or around people that went to church), know that verse in the bible. But how many of us actually live by this faith that we claim to know so much about? Faith is not a destination, its a path. It's not a goal, it's a process. And in this process, we will have tests.

TESTS?

Yes. Tests are the very things that build our faith, and make the blessing at the end more worth it. But whenever we are more caught up into the blessing, we lose focus on the process; which is the most challenging part of the path. Tests never come to tear you down, kill you, or show you how much God isn't there for you. They actually prove how much God is there for you. They come to strengthen your faith, build character, and teach us lessons. 

We ask God for faith, but we just don't understand that there's a process to everything. We want a husband/wife, but there's a preparation process. We want patience, but there's irritating process. We want faith, but there's a sacrificial process. We must first be willing. We must be willing to go through the process, even if it requires us giving up something that we love dearly.

DON'T GIVE UP

Once we start this walk of faith, it can be exciting and fun...until people you walk long enough to look around to see that everyone that were with you, are't with you anymore. We begin to go through things and don't really have anyone to talk to, because they just wouldn't understand. We want to give up. We want to drop the very mission that God has us on because things aren't as fun and exciting anymore. Those old places are calling our name again, and it would be so easy and convenient to turn back. But don't abort.

 DON'T ABORT! 

God has something so great in store for you, if you continue on this walk of faith. I know the very people that you trusted in this process is making things so difficult; but don't abort! Keep walking. God has you here for a purpose. It might not be recognizable right now, but keep walking. Keep trusting God on this faith walk, and you WILL reap if you don't faint.

Carlis

I Found Out I Can't Make It On My Own

If anyone was ever like me, they grew up having to "make it happen". I was the oldest son, and my father counted on me to do most of everything around the house. My father was the oldest son also, so I believe he wanted me to learn a few things the way he had learned them. When my father was 6 years old, he told me that he used to stay home alone and watch his 2 older sisters. He would always share with me that he had a lot of responsibility at such a young age. My father said that these experiences and situations taught him many valuable lessons. So, I believe this had a lot to do with the responsibilities that he would give to me.

Like most guys, we love a challenge. We even love the thought of having more responsibility, because it makes us feel like more of a man. So when I was given certain tasks, I would be macho man and always want to do it alone. I didn't want to ask for help, and I felt like I didn't need no help. I would always figure out a way to do it on my own. This really challenged my brain sometimes, but I always seemed to figure it out. And when I would figure it out, I could see my dad would have that "good job son" look on his face. But he wasn't the type to always express it.

With me being able to always figure it out, I actually begin to feel like, I didn't need help. I got into the habit of just figuring things out when I was in a bind, so I wouldn't have to rely on anyone. This created pride issues in that area, because I didn't want people to think that I needed them. I didn't want them to think that I couldn't do it by myself; even if the job was bigger than me.

It's so funny how everything in our past will create us to having the mind like we have towards everything. I took the same mind-frame that I had growing up into my Christian walk as well. I would try to do everything on my own. Although this helped me be more disciplined in many areas, God also had to humble me to show me that He is ultimately in "control".

God showed me that It was bigger than me.

In my new Christian walk, I would be disciplined in what people would call the "main" sins. You know the smoking, drinking, having sex, and cursing. Yeah, I felt like I was a super Christian because I heard about everyone else struggling with those, and they weren't as much of a problem for me. I was a new, and I thought I would never have to struggle with anything. Ever. They didn't really address anything other than those sins at the church I was raised in, so I was as Christian as you could be, right?

God showed me that It's not in my power.

Then something crazy started to happen. I begin to have these dreams that many of us know as, "wet dreams". These are sexual dreams you have when a person can physically have a release. And I was having them. I would wake up like, "Ok, what just happened." But when they happened, I would be so convicted that I would cry out to God and say, "Why is this happening to me?" I felt so worthless, filthy, and unsaved that I questioned if God was even hearing my prayers.

I needed help!

I found out that I couldn't do this on my own. It was bigger than me. And I couldn't do it with my power or strength. I needed help. I needed Christ. And once I was able embraced that help didn't mean you're weak, I was able to be stronger. I was able to grow in humility, patience, and love.

Sometimes we go through things for Christ to show us that it's not about our strength or power. We have a habit of wanting to be in control; and once that control is taken away, we feel vulnerable. But that exactly what God wants from us. Vulnerability. Let's be vulnerable to His ability.

I Know I Cheated, But I Still Love You

Before you begin, please read it in its entirety for it to make sense. Enjoy

I'm sure many of us have been in situations where we have been cheated on, or have cheated on someone else. I know I have. I used to be one of those statistically viewed guys that tries to date a bunch of females at one time. I would do it to boost my esteem, and/or to look cool with my friends. It was always a game with me; Get to know a cute girl, brag about it, and repeat. You ask "Why do men do that," right? Well, many guys do it because they care more about pleasing themselves and being accepted by their friends, than actually taking into consideration of a woman feelings. Sad, I know.

By me once being a cheater, I learned that cheating on someone didn't always stem from a love issue. It grows from a lust issue. To be honest, many women are married to guys in their mind, because they bought the dreams that guys sold. This causes them to give guys the benefit of a marriage without the commitment or responsibility. So by doing marriage things without the marriage, there's no motivation to get married. This is why the relationship is built around a lustful foundation. And with lust being the motivator, lust will also be the separator. But often, women get blinded by muscles without strength, and words without action. So this paralysis of vision, causes the view about a relationships to be distorted.


What many people don't understand is that when people cheat, it always stem from the perversion of the mind, not just the actions of the body. It's spiritual. Shoot, sex is spiritual. And if we don't have the Spirit of God, then we won't have the power to overcome lust or the have conviction that brings about true repentance (REAL change). See, man can only change the actions, but God is what changes the nature. This is where you get the "once a cheater always a cheater" from. Because man (and woman) in our own power can only change our ways for a moment, but we will always revert back to guiltless lifestyle practices. People are so used to other people doing them wrong, then telling them that they're going to do right this time; but continuing to do wrong. Because man can only change the actions (flesh), and God changes the nature (spirit).

You ask someone, "What is cheating to you"? Their first thought is usually sexual. But in actuality, cheating on someone can be done physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. I remember a co-worker came to me crying, telling me that her boyfriend cheated on her and she didn't know what to do. But I also remembered a while before that, she told me that they went to the strip club pretty often together. So when her tears dried up, I explained to her how they had been setting each other up to cheat the whole time. Because what you feed is what becomes strong. So in application, it doesn't have to be to the extent of the strip club, but if you're comfortable enjoying sexually explicit movies and music with/without them, it's almost the same as going to the strip club! You're feeding the beast (flesh), and the beast will overtake you like the hulk. But the beast won't just come out when you're mad (argument), but the beast will come out when you feel alone (lonely or desperate) or even when you don't know who you are (identity crisis).

So, how can you say you love me, but you cheat on me?

Well, what if God asked us this question? What if God asked us, "How can you say you love me, but you continue to have sex and you're not married? You're cheating on me." "How can you say you love me, but you continue to indulge in music and movies that promotes the very things that I died for? You're cheating on me." Or if He asked, "How can you say you love me, but you dress for people to lust after you? You're cheating on me." Would we still make a petition of how we love God? We all fall into some category disrespecting and dishonoring God at some point. But is it a love issue, or a lust issue? Many of us get blinded by emotional feelings, and it distorts our forgiveness through love. But please understand what I'm saying in the right context. I'm not saying to give a person a "cheating pass". I'm saying give a person a "forgiveness pass". And even in this "forgiveness pass," if its a little too much for you and it leads to a relationship ending, than so be it (unmarried people). But if you're married, I say work it out, and allow the forgiveness that God gave/gives you, to motivate your forgiveness for your husband/wife.




GOD LOVES YOU SO MUCH!
I do too,
Carlis Howze

...but God told me they're "THE ONE"

Most people in the world desire to eventually be married to someone one day; and we want this "someone" to be the right and only one, right? For this reason, many of us pray and ask God for help in finding this mate.

I actually did this. But not only did I ask God for my mate, but I asked God to put the desires on my heart that He had for me in regards to a mate. I ultimately asked Him to bring me the mate that would help me in achieving His plan for my life. As I did this, God begin to work on my heart, form my desires, and actually mold me into "The One" for her. That's right, many of us are more concerned about finding "The One", instead of allowing God to construct us into "The One" first. This is one of the reasons why many of us don't have "The One".

One of the only reasons of how we construct this idea of "The One" is usually based on selfish motives, and a slothful mind towards getting better at something we have an absence in. Because if we truly took a look at this list of characteristics we have, listed on paper or written in our mind, we would see that many of the things on there are based around something that we lack. We ask God for a man/women with patience, because we lack it. We ask God for a man/woman with boldness for Christ, but we never share Christ with anyone. Shoot, some of us ask God for a "man/woman of God", but we aren't even saved "for real" ourselves. It's like we ask God for a person to be our crutch into being more like Christ, when we should be coming directly to Him to lead us in that.

SO, is there a "The One"?



Yeah, there's a "The One". But "The One" don't become "The One" until they're "The One". Meaning, the person that God has for you is the person that you marry lol. Which is why God doesn't want us to divorce. Many of us try to be so deep, but we're confusing and depressing ourselves in trying to figure out if there's this ONE specific person in the world that God has preordained for us. Even if there is, all we have to do is stay focused on Christ and it's impossible to "miss out on your blessing". First things first, get connected to Christ, continue to seek Him with all your heart, everything else will be added (Matthew 6:33).

And if there was only one person in the world for us, what would happen if we got with the "wrong one"? Wouldn't that change everything? Would the other person just never find a mate or something? Ok... I'll get back on subject.

...but God told me...

One of the most popular phrases that have been floating around my ears is the popular, "God told me". Not only have I been hearing this phrase regarding a mate, but I have been hearing this phrase about things that aren't even godly. Lol smh foolishness. Now, don't get me wrong, I TRULY believe that God can and do tell or lead us in things, but some of this stuff ain't God. It used to burn me up when I heard people say, "God told me this or that" because they would say it so casually and not take it seriously, like THE TRUE AND LIVING GOD didn't just tell you something. But now I see that people don't even take God seriously, so it's not such a shock to me anymore.

And it's crazy because, we say "God told us" all this stuff, but God don't tell us to live right... Or, we don't take that part seriously. We just take the "God told me" seriously when it benefits us.

Here are some of the ways of how God didn't tell you:

• If God never speaks to you about ANYTHING, this probably isn't Him either. You're probably just another victim of "it just FEELS right".

• If you're desperate, and you see somebody that's attractive. That's not God, it's probably just your flesh talking.

• If you're not saved. "For real". If you haven't heard the voice of God to come to Christ, you definitely haven't heard the voice of God to go to a mate. That's probably the voice of the enemy lol. Lust.

• If your "voice of God" lied last time, it's probably the voice of lies. Not God (Truth).

• If it doesn't line up with the Word of God, they're not the words of God.

• If there are only selfish ambitions attached to it, it's not Gods voice.

• If you were PERSUADED by a friend, family member, or church member (pastor) that said "God told them", and you didn't seek God for yourself; that has a high possibility of it not being the voice of God. Could be the voice of manipulation. Or just the voice of them.

Honestly, some of us are being overly spiritual about things that are so minutiae and not as spiritual as we try to make them be. We stress ourselves out over things that God expect us to use the wisdom that He gave us on. We have to understand the balance of knowing how to operate in the spiritual, and how to operate in the natural. Let's be a human being for a second. We as the Christian community can't figure out how some of the satanists and atheists have marriages that last so long, but we can't even get married. You want to know how someone is "The One"? Be yourself around them, and see if they stay. Now some of yall real crazy, and you might not need to be quite yourself lol, but you know what I mean. But seriously, you have to be yourself. Most people try to be the image of someone of something else to impress someone they don't really need, then wonder why people are trying to change them. It's real simple. Be yourself. 

Be "The One" God created you to be.

In  Love,

Carlis Howze

WHY I WAS SINGLE FOR 7 YEARS BEFORE MEETING MY WIFE

I never thought that I would be single for 7 years! Even when I say it now, it still seems like a long time. I thought that I would just find a cute girl, hook up with her, then eventually get married about 10 years after we got tired of having fun. But, boy was it more that God wanted me to learn in my singleness than that! In all honesty, if it wasn't for that time of singleness, I wouldn't be where I am, nor have who I have today. It was all a process, and apart of Gods plan.

So did I talk to ANYONE in that 7 years of singleness?

I sure did. But, let me explain. It began when I surrendered my life to Christ on February 13, 2007 (My testimony will be in another blog, another day). I had done things wrong in my past relationships, and didn't want my future to mimic my past. So I wanted to start clean. Before and leading into me giving my life to Christ, I was "unofficially dating" a young lady who I thought about committing to; but, she was giving me all the benefits without the commitment, so I definitely didn't have any rush in my game. Oh, you ask, "what's unofficially dating"? Well, you know that time when you're "talking" with someone, and you don't want them to talk to anyone else, and they don't want you to talk to anyone else? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Nevertheless, I broke it off with that girl when I gave my life to Christ. 

As I stated earlier, I had done things very wrong in my past relationships. I was that statistically viewed "dog" of a guy. I would get with women, and make them seem like they were the only one in the world, knowing that I would still had my options open. You ask, "why do men do that?" Well, I'll explain that in another blog another day lol. Let me try to stick to the subject. Yeah, I did women wrong, so that had to change. After I had gave my life to God, I actually reached out to every female that I dated officially or unofficially, and apologized to them. Thank God for Facebook lol. 

Anywho, now that I'm a new Christian, I thought that everything was just going to be peaches, cream, and holy ghost Ice-cream. I thought that it was gonna be all good days, with no struggles or tests. But boy was it more that God wanted me to learn in this singleness. As I began this Christian-man-singleness thing, I knew what I eventually wanted in a woman. So, what did I do? I wrote a list of everything that I wanted in a female. Then I prayed to God about it. And with me being the analytical person that I am, I wrote about 2 pages front and back. Yes, I was VERY specific. And I actually believed that I would find exactly what I wrote down. So let the waiting games begin!

After about 1 or 2 years, I begin to share with other people about "the list". Of course, I didn't jump out and tell anyone how specific I was - because I knew they would laugh. But I did tell them about the list, and almost all of them questioned my sanity. It would probably be more understandable to you if you would've seen how specific I was with that list. I mean, I went as far as saying that I didn't want a woman with hands and feet that were big or ugly, to certain skin completion. Yeah, I was serious. Don't judge me lol. Ultimately, I wasn't going to settle. But it begin to get a little harder when those that were close to me begin to discourage me. They started to depress my target, and mock my hope. So what did I do? I begin to act like it didn't bother me, when deep down it was really stabbing my faith. This had to have been the longest that I had been single now, so I begin to question things. I begin to loosen up on some of the things on my list. Because maybe the reason it's taking so long is because I'm too picky, right? Or maybe I should just get with an attractive female, and just pray that God fixes them while we're in the relationship? Hey, maybe God doesn't really care who I get with? Those were just some of the question I asked myself.

So, I tried that. I started to get to know females because they were physically attractive, and I begin to grow impatient. #Desperate. Hey, I didn't want to be the only one not in a relationship out of all my friends, so it should be ok. #Insecurity.

The only thing about getting with these attractive females is that I never had peace with any of them; and something would always happen for us not to be together anymore. I would get with a female, get emotionally involved with her, then something would happen where we would have to end it. Either she just didn't want to be in the unofficial relationship anymore for no reason, or we would just stop talking for some reason. It was crazy! I couldn't explain it, nor did I know what to do. So I begin to pray. Keep in mind, I'm saved this whole time, so I'm feeling like, "God you tripping, I'm supposed to be your son!"

(We should ask ourselves, "Should God trust us with His sons and daughters right now?)

After a while of dealing with those broken unofficial relationships, I just begin to want to be single for the rest of my life. So when I told my friends this, you better believe they didn't believe me. But I was oh so serious. I was thinking, "well, I can just be like Paul. It seems like he wanted people to be single anyway" lol. Nonetheless, this phase didn't last too long. But I will say that I did consider it for probably a few months.

Now that I have this desire to be married again, and I had been broken so many times by relationships that I wasn't even in, I had made up my mind to just trust God. I prayed to God and asked for His will to be done in my life. I laid aside the list and all of my will, and I just begin to embrace God for who He is. God begin to reveal Himself to me like never before, and he begin to reveal myself to me as well. God would tell me that, "if some of us would chase after Him like we chase after a mate, Maybe He would give us a mate". So instead of me trying to find "the one", He wanted me to be "the one". So in order for me to be "the one" I had to trust the "the One" (Him), to mold me into "the one" for "the one". So, I got "the one". And it's funny because after I met her, I found out that she was "the exact one" from my list.

"There are things that we don't want to happen but we have to accept; things we don't' want to know, but have to learn; and people we feel we can't live without, but have to let go... #TrustGOD".

- Carlis Howze

The Beauty of Time

It seem as though we are naturally impatient creatures, and we desire many of the very things that we shouldn't. It's like we manipulate our conscious and persuade our mind to believe that we are running out of time; just to attain vain desires in a societal time-frame. We chase after money because we feel like there's security attached to it. We chase after women and men because we acknowledge an emptiness inside; but we feel like that's the only way to fill it. We chase after the approval and trends of others, because we want to feel accepted and not alone. But what about God?

Oftentimes, it's challenging for us to fully trust God, because society has painted the picture of the "perfect timeline". So, instead of trusting God, we are pressured. Pressured to fit into a social order and not be considered "too old for that". Peer pressure. We think that peer pressure is only relevant in adolescent ages, but in actuality, its very prominent among adult association.

So, what time is it? Well, if we're judging time by the possessions that everyone else have, when they have it, we don't have long before we begin to look like we're behind in time. Because keeping up with the Joneses, will keep us back from Jesus. And in Christ alone is found perfection. The perfection of our timeline and time-frame. Many of us lose patience, and even faith in God, because of the microwave mind-frame that we have. We lose patience and faith in God, because we feel like He's taking too long with the plan that we want for ourselves. But that's the problem, it's not the plan and will that God has for us, it's the plan and will that we have for ourselves. Our focus is on us, and this makes our hope temporal instead of eternal.

The beautiful thing about God is that His time isn't our time. And many times, His plan isn't our plan. But it's perfect. So whenever "it seems like it's taking too long", we must trust the author of time with the perfection of our timeline.

Let's trust God together,

Carlis Howze